Ask Jeanne

Okay Okay! I am not an expert or a psychologist but I am a single mom and I have come up with some creative solutions in my time. And my advice is free! So what have you got to lose? - Ask me, maybe I can help.

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August 2005

Dear Jeanne,

My son always refuses to do his homework. He will 'accidentally' forget his assignment books with the assignments written down, or 'accidentally' forget the workbook in which he is supposed to be doing his assignment. Last year he failed one class for lack of handing in his homework. It is not that the work is that difficult, it is that he simply can't be bothered to do it. I've implemented consequences such as I'll give him additional work to do or take away TV, etc. Nothing seems to work. Do you have any suggestions for next year?

- Stressed Mom in Alexandria, VA

Dear Stressed Mom in Alexandria,

Homework sucks! I don’t blame your son if he doesn’t want to do it. It is probably stupid homework anyway. The school system today seems to want to suck every speck of joy out of the learning process… Not quite the answer you expected was it? On the other hand, you probably don’t want your son to flunk out of school. So let’s see if we can figure out a way for you to help your son. I had a similar experience with mine.

Last year my son stopped doing his English homework and got an “f” on his interim report from school. All of his is electronics were immediately removed and the cable TV was canceled. I agreed to give them back when he got an “A” in the subject. (This was not unrealistic for Daniel. The only reason he did not already have an “A” was because of missed assignments.) He immediately brought his grade up but had to live without the electronics and TV until the report card came out. We agreed that for the rest of the year, if he did not like an assignment, he was free to try to negotiate with the teacher but he was not free to ignore the assignment. Problem solved? – NOT!

In reality, he maintained his grades just until the last two weeks of school and then he stopped doing homework. I guess he thought that as there was not another report card, he would not have to face the consequences. The agreement was that he could not have electronics or TV until he raised his grade on his report card but... he would not get the opportunity to do that until next year! Yipes! Could I stick to that? Was I being too harsh if I did?

Well I decided to give him an out. There is young playwright contest that is conducted each year near where we live. My son loves to act and is a good writer. So I told him that he could get his electronics and TV privileges back when he got the “A” on his next report card (next year)or when he gave me a play that was good enough to submit to the contest.

(I want you to notice a couple of things here. First off when I canceled the cable, I was canceling my ability to watch “Real Time with Bill Maher” and “Six Feet Under”, two of my favorite shows. So I was essentially punishing myself. But it really was not a punishment and it is important that you do not make it a punishment. His grades and ultimately his success in life are going to be determined by him. In this case, he had a choice. He could wait until next report card or he could write the play. I did not tell him which to do and frankly did not care. He would learn something either way.

It turned out that we have both had a great summer! Without TV, I have been more productive then ever. We have also spent more time together. We play games or talk after dinner instead of watching TV. He can survive without the PlayStation and Gameboy and I can survive without cable.

But wait, there is more. At 12 years old, my son has actually written a wonderful one act play! I am so proud of him and he is proud of himself. He has gained the confidence that comes from attempting something difficult and finding success! And it all happened because he “messed up”.

Your son may be motivated by something else. In handling a setback, you must be willing to be creative. Keep trying until you find out what works for you. The important thing is to try to help your child turn the “failure” into a success. And please try not to be too judgmental. It probably was stupid homework.

I hope this advice helped. Please let me know. Jeanne

Daniel’s Turn (This section is added to cover the kid’s point of view. Here’s what my 12 year old son says to do”

Tell your child that if he does not get good grades, he will not get into a good college and he will end up being an assembly line worker in Taiwan.

Daniel

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